Frances

I'm Frances, aged 38. I have been wearing bilateral implant since February this year. I am honoured to be here today to share with you my experience, both prior and after the operation.

First of all, let me share with you how I became qualified for the implant. I was born with the ability to hear, so there was not much problem during my formative years. I sensed that I was not hearing as good as others but being young and naïve, it didn't worry me at all. It was until I was in high school that I started getting into trouble. I failed every listening comprehension paper. I could not sing accurately in choir. I found it difficult to dance to the music in ballet.

I had my first hearing test when I was 17. It showed that I had lost about 40% to 50% of my hearing due to unknown reasons. The family history could be a factor but the doctor could not be sure. I was prescribed with Vitamins.

If I could compare my progressive hearing loss with walking down a flight of stairs step by step, then starting from 1988, when I was 26, it was like tumbling down a steep, yet short flight of stairs. Despite wearing hearing aids, I would not answer telephone because I could not handle conversations without reading lips. I would watch TV if and only if the programme was equipped with subtitles. I could hear sounds but failed to make out the words. In less than a year, I took off the hearing aids and never put them on again.

It was terrible not able to hear. Even though I suffered no physical pain, the psychological pressure was unbearable.

One by one friends began to disappear, as they could not talk to me directly on the phone, and we did not get in touch much via other means either. If my old schoolmates had any gatherings, I would learn about it afterwards instead of being asked to join. Why? Because I had no control of my own voice. Very often people said I was speaking too loud, and they had to speak loud to make me understand. It was extremely embarrassing as if we were in a shouting match. In fact, if they had asked me, I would not want to go any way.

At home, when my husband Calvin had a very bad day in the office, he might not want to tell me about it, as I probably wouldn't understand. Same happened when he had a nice day. Having repeated over and over, but I continued to make no response or the wrong response, the joy of sharing a piece of good news was effectively killed.

If there were any social occasion, Calvin would either go alone or simply turn it down. Taking me with him and explaining to people that I had a hearing problem was too much trouble. The standard response was always, "Oh, why? What happened? Right ear or left ear? Do you do sign language?" We were very fed up with answering these very same questions every time we made new acquaintances. After people have satisfied their curiosity about me, they would return to their usual chatting. I wouldn't blame them for ignoring me. It really was difficult to involve me in conversations. When everyone was having a good time, I felt that I was being shut out. I hate to admit my presence was nothing more than to smile and eat.

Calvin has to go to his company's headquarters in America from time to time to report on his work. His boss has repeatedly asked him to bring me along to meet the people. No, I never went. On the occasions when I did go on a business trip with him, I would just hide in the hotel, or we went out after his meetings. I was reluctant to meet any of his colleagues.

Losing my hearing was not simply about deafness, it was also about losing my independence, self respect and the fear of isolation, the fear of being ridiculed. Maybe I was taking it worse than others. I actually felt ashamed of myself.

At one stage I was so depressed that I was admitted to psychiatry for a month because Calvin was in fear that I would take the easy way out. Finally in 1995, I gave up working completely. For the next 12 months, I just stayed home, took regular dose of anti-depressant and tried to convince myself to face reality. It was the most unhappy year in my life. My husband and my family quietly suffered with me.

Then last November after a routine check up at Queen Mary Hospital, Dr. Hui confirmed that I have reached the stage of profound deafness, so it was time to give me the cochlear implants. I instantly burst out in tears. All I could say was thank you thank you and thank you. I clutched Dr. Hui's hand, almost refused to let go. Suddenly there was hope.

Dr. Hui asked if I would agree to have my hair completely shaved off for the operation. I said yes without a second thought. He assured me that when I have my hair grown back, it would look really nice. Then he asked if it was OK to schedule the operation on 29th January next year. As it was the 6th day of the Chinese New Year, some people would consider it as inauspicious to go under the knife. Of course I didn't mind. The sooner the operation the better. I actually looked forward to it.

I am sure some of you would ask why do I want 2 implants instead of one? As a matter of fact, it was my decision to have 2 and have them all done in the same operation. I was born with 2 ears. I was in the habit of using 2 ears together. Therefore when I have the chance to regain my hearing, I most certainly wanted to get back to my old habit of using both ears. Don't ask me to choose, I cannot. I have always wanted two. Since I must have my hair shaved, I'd rather have the 2 implants in one go to avoid being shave again.

The bilateral cochlear implant operation was done on 29th of January this year, as planned. It took 6 hours and I ended up with 38 stitches on my head. Next morning I was wheeled into the audio laboratory for the initial "switch on". After Mr. Dennis Au, the audiologist, had fixed a speech processor on my ear, I heard some WOOOOO sound, then a voice, "Can you hear me?" Sure! We had a little conversation and I heard every word he said. Mr. Au's voice was very odd, more like a robot than a human. He sounded as if he was speaking from the far end of a tunnel though we were sitting just 3 feet apart in a sound proof audio room. Despite my still woolly woolly mind, I knew I was making a comeback to the hearing world.

It has since been 8 months. Life is never the same again. When not wearing the speech processors I don't hear at all. Never mind about the renovation next door, or the party upstairs. But when I am "ON", I can hear just about as good as most people, though not 100%.

The initial difficulty of hearing through the implants was that I could not tell who was talking. Everyone sounded like robots. I could not tell if it was my husband or my mother. And I failed to recognize my own voice. When I spoke, I always thought it was another person speaking. I heard sounds that I never heard before and could not tell what they were.

Also I could not distinguish the source of sounds. Once when I was alone at my mother's home, the telephone rang. I picked it up then realized it was not the telephone. That sound must be a mobile phone. I spent a full 5 minutes searching everywhere, the bedrooms, kitchen, toilet and cupboards. When I finally located the mobile phone, I picked it up, then remembered I never used a mobile phone before. I did not know which button to press to answer the call. So I put it down and waited for the caller to hang up.

I must mention a collateral side effect of the implant but a really good one. I have been suffering from tinnitus all my life. It was so serious that I would wake up in the middle of the night by all those strange sounds, if I could get to sleep at all. When the sounds were too loud, it could make me cry and want to scream. But after the operation, the tinnitus has obviously die down a lot. I still hear the sounds but they are not as bad as before. Never once since the operation have I cried over it, and I have been able to sleep well most of the nights. I even saw myself in the dream wearing the speech processors.

Now I have got used to hearing through the implants. People's voices are human voices again to my hearing. I can distinguish different sounds from different directions. I can understand quite a lot on TV, especially the news. I hear Calvin snore in his afternoon nap. I also hear my baby nephew snoring in my arms, whereas before, I wouldn't even hear him cry.

No longer do I consider myself as Calvin's burden but someone who shares his life with him. Calvin now cracks jokes over dinner and we will laugh our heads off together. He will sing to me when he suddenly hears a familiar melody on TV. Calvin has a very good voice. I just love to listen to him sing. My sisters and brother would tell me about their children, their frustration at work, or their next plan for holidays. My nephew and nieces like to tell me the stories they learned in school. I will take my mother out for lunch and listen to her tips on cooking, her latest body check result, or gossips about the relatives. The relationship with my family has never been so good.

Moreover, I have rebuilt my confidence and have the guts to be vocal. In the past, when I was upset over something, no matter how trivial, I would go home to make a written complaint, then wait for a reply that might not always come. Now, I can simply walk up to argue my case, to demand immediate action, or an apology. Lots of things could actually be dealt with on the spot. I am in control of my life again.

Tasks that used to be done by Calvin are now mine, such as making inquiry, booking table for dinner, making appointment with doctor, and we must not forget phone banking and home delivery services, which I can now confidently use.

I must confess, however, that I am not completely comfortable with using the telephone. I had not used the telephone for more than 10 years before the operation. I can use it now but I don't use it often enough, perhaps only once or twice in a week. I just don't feel right. Calvin gave me a mobile phone but I always leave it at home instead of carrying it around. It will be quite a while before I will make telephone part of my everyday life.

Those who knew me are surprised to see a complete change in my personality. I am more cheerful and easy going. I am curious in a lot of things as if I want to catch up on things I had missed out. I go to cinema instead of watching VCD because now I do want some really good sound effect. Recently I have been told of a gathering in November with my old schoolmates, and I intend to attend. Perhaps when Calvin goes to America next time, he can tell his boss that he is finally bringing his wife.

I want to take this opportunity to thank Dr Hui and Mr. Au from the very bottom of my heart. It is not just for the operation, it was the support, encouragement and patience you have given me in the last 5 years. I also must thank my husband for putting up with me in the 17 years we have been together, and many more to come.

Thank you.

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